Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Him and His Boys

Tonight I hope you enjoy a guest post from Jay. When I decided to unveil our bridal parties on le blog I though who better to introduce Jay’s Boys than Jay himself. Without further adieu…


Caution: This blog post is not going to be lovey-dovey, nor will it be sweet and heart-felt. I’m sorry if that’s what you were hoping for, but I just can’t make myself.

When I asked Sarah to marry me, I already knew who I wanted to be standing next to me and didn’t even have to think twice about it. The fact of it is, I knew who I wanted before I even met Sarah. I didn’t pick these guys because they’re my BFFs (well, mostly) and I didn’t pick them for aesthetics, trust me on that (zing). I picked these guys based on the personal qualities and skills I thought would be most
beneficial should the wedding be interrupted by brain-eating, killer zombies.


The Guns: I’ve known William since we were 3; we’ve grown up together and lived together throughout undergrad. For all this time that I’ve known Will, he has always had a knife in his pocket, which is handy, considering the zombies are probably going to surprise-attack us while we’re at the altar. Will also has an encyclopedic knowledge of knots (need a noose? Gotta tie someone up?) and he also has a strange affinity for being able to blow things up, which really doesn’t need zombies to be fun but is still valuable. Lastly, should we survive the initial on-slaught, I know that Will is going to be able to find a cache of guns, we just won’t let him use any of them since he may shoot himself in the leg (again). That is why William is going to be standing next to me as my Best Man.


The Suicidally Brave/Soundtrack: Every zombie movie that’s worth it’s salt has a soundtrack that gets your blood pumping, adds suspense and yet reminds you that there’s more than the head in your hand. Well, I’m assuming that the DJ is going to be one of the first ones to go, so this important job will fall to Steve. Fortunately for us, he’s going to be doing this anyways. I know Steve is going to be singing appropriate songs, while accompanying himself and keeping beat using his chest as a drum. Aside from playing something other than the Rocky theme (which is always appropriate), I can fore-see there being something that we MUST have when 200 yards away there is a field that’s full of the blood-thirsty zombies. Steve is going to be the volunteer who says “F it, I’m up for anything” and goes running dramatically through the undead to bring the vital piece of equipment to us. Even though Steve will have the tell-tale bites all over him that show he’s going to soon crave brains, he’s still going to smile and make some witty joke (probably about not being paid enough to baby-sit us). Don’t worry friends, we won’t leave Steve to a fate of stumbling around until his body parts rot off of him. No, Steve is the type of zombie that you tie up in a back room so that you can hang out with him and drink beer while
playing Rock Band; even his zombie brain will be able to play guitar on expert while singing perfectly on key. That’s why Steve is next in line.


The Technology: I’m pretty sure that most military officials are going to be killed off by their undead buddies, but if there’s remote controlled drone flying around or an outpost of guys with guns looking for survivors, Luke will be able to find them. Not only that, but he’ll be able to give them our location and coordinate an anti-zombie attack from the convenience of his Droid. And he’d probably be able to do that with AT&T’s service... Luke is also going to be pivotal in the Zombie Apocalypse 2012 as he’ll be able to jump-start a car, and (let’s face it) he’s going to be the one of us who figures out what the zombie’s fatal weakness is. Plus, he’s tall so he’ll distract them for a while, giving us plenty of time to prepare (which is why he needs to be on the outside, clearly).

And...Me: You may find yourself wondering, “but Jay, where do you fit in on all of this heroic and manly stuff??” Well, I thought that that would have been obvious... I’m the guy that gets the girl in the end.